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Fear the Return

April 8, 2012
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Fear the Return

What the heck, Austin? Grocery stores are closed. Gas stations are closed. Both Best Buy and Fry’s Electronics are closed. How are people supposed to survive? This isn’t a day off. It’s post-apocalypse survival training. Stock up on food, gas, and guns, because no one wants to risk being outside when The Resurrected One walks the Earth. The only places open are prepared food distribution centers with lines stretching out the door. Inside, they’re cramming in as many people as possible. There are no menus. If you want to eat, you silently join the shuffling line of bodies as...

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Ghostwriting

April 3, 2012
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Ghostwriting

As you’ve no doubt noticed, I’m a bit whorish when it comes to promoting my own work. Why else would I have spent Q1 writing about booze and sex? So far my goal for 2012 has been liquoring you up before introducing you to a girl who wants you to dip your fish fingers into her custard. In case...

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60 Weeks in Austin: Week 21 – Wherein I proudly release the first volume in my dating trilogy

March 29, 2012
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60 Weeks in Austin: Week 21 – Wherein I proudly release the first volume in my dating trilogy

Blame Chris Hardwick. This year Santa brought me a 104 degree fever for Christmas. I was equally fascinated by the  four inch tall goats frolicing in my delivery Chinese food and the Doctor Who marathon on the BBC when my blue box fantasies were interrupted by The Nerdist TV Special. Craig Ferguson was as entertaining as ever. The goats...

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60 Weeks in Austin: Week 20 – Wherein I am disappointed by the lack of Cardassians in The Domain

March 25, 2012
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60 Weeks in Austin: Week 20 –  Wherein I am disappointed by the lack of Cardassians in The Domain

For the last four months I’ve harbored oddly suspicious feelings towards “The Domain.” According to Austinites it’s a self contained city in the unfashionable north end of town where brainwashed denizens peel the skin off panhandlers to make buttery soft leather coats. That seemed a little extreme to me. Baking in the Austin sun, your average panhandler here has...

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60 Weeks in Austin: Week 19 – Wherein SXSW is redeemed by music

March 19, 2012
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60 Weeks in Austin: Week 19 –  Wherein SXSW is redeemed by music

Wow. I’m still overwhelmed by the last couple weeks. Last week I spewed some deservedly hateful bile at SXSW. It’s been a long damn time since I went anywhere I was treated so miserably. After only two days of exposure as a damned badgeless townie I was ready to look up every company with a significant presence at SXSW...

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60 Weeks in Austin: Week 18 – Wherein I attend SXSWi as a damned badgeless townie

March 10, 2012
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60 Weeks in Austin: Week 18 – Wherein I attend SXSWi as a damned badgeless townie

This is not how I expected to experience South by Southwest. Back in St. Louis, when I fantasized about moving to Austin, I imagined SXSW would be an amazing pivotal point in my life. I’d roam the halls, put my networking powers to good use, leave the trade show with silly amounts of swag, and drink away any intimidation...

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Fetid End of the Dating Pool

First Contact: Apples and Honey Edition

It’s time for a special Rosh Hashanah edition of First Contact! Gosh. Who knew the season of atonement and repentance could be so darn...

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